He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
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