Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
