She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I need a burrito and a hug.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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