I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
