I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
