I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
