life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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