I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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