Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
