He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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