Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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