I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
