You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
