I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
