im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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