We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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