Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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