Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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