you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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