Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
