I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
