You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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