My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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