Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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