And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
