I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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