I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
