I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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