I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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