i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
