I need help removing her.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
