I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
