You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
