You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
