at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We talked him into tasing himself.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
