hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
