Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish I could punch you in the face.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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