I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
