I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
