so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
