Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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