He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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