I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well I just put wine in my tea
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
