Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
