i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
