If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
