I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
