Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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