I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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