Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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